I Was Trapped in a Bulimia Loop—Until I Learned This
My raw, unfiltered journey through the depths of an eating disorder and the unexpected path to healing
My rock bottom with bulimia looked like this: driving around Austin circa 2012, bouncing between drive-throughs, health food stores, and everything in between with a liter of almond milk in tow. From restaurants to supermarkets, I ordered French fries, ice cream, smoothies (anything and everything) while drinking almond milk to make purging easier. I would do this for hours. My longest binge-and-purge session lasted ten hours straight. I spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars and wasted countless hours.
I always went to the Starbucks on Oltorf near my house on South 1st to purge because the bathroom was private. That way, I wouldn’t disturb my roommates with my disgusting habit. I remember the terror when I couldn’t get everything to come up. I’d look in the mirror afterward, tears streaming down my face, makeup smudged, eyes bloodshot, and my mouth red from being stretched open by my hand. I always thought, “When will this end?”
Where Do Eating Disorders Come From?
Eating disorders are the deadliest mental illnesses, with anorexia nervosa having the highest mortality rate. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD), 10,200 deaths each year are the direct result of an eating disorder. That’s one death every 52 minutes. These numbers highlight the urgent need for awareness and healing. A 2021 New York Times article reports studies showing that within 30 minutes of joining TikTok, a 13-year-old user can encounter content related to eating disorders and self-harm. My hope in sharing my story is to shed light on the complexities of recovery and to inspire those still struggling to see that healing is possible.
Looking back, I’ve realized that my eating disorder stemmed from a combination of factors. Like many, my eating disorder originated from trauma, a family history of addiction and/or mental illness, and the societal pressure to be thin. This Fiji study on eating disorders found that the introduction of Western television significantly increased eating disorder symptoms, including disordered eating behaviors and body dissatisfaction, among Fijian adolescent girls. Before Western television was introduced, eating disorders virtually did not exist on the island. After just three years of television, 11.3 percent of teenage girls in Fiji reported purging behaviors to control their weight, compared to 0 percent before the introduction of television. Additionally, 74 percent of the girls reported feeling "too big or fat," and 62 percent had engaged in dieting. While the study has been critiqued for oversimplifying the causes of eating disorders, it remains a powerful example of how cultural influences can affect body image.
After many years of recovery, study, and introspection, I opened my eating disorder coaching business in 2020 under the mentorship of Dr. Dorie McCubbrey and yoga therapist Jennifer Kreatsoules. Surprisingly, I met people with eating disorders who had idyllic childhoods. Some clients had supportive families and stellar school experiences but still struggled with binge eating disorder, bulimia, orthorexia, anorexia, or a combination of them all. It became clear to me that no single narrative explains the origins of these illnesses.
The Origins Of My Disorder
Several contributing factors led to the development of my disorder. The societal pressure to be thin played a major role, especially as someone who started dancing at age five and later attended a performing arts high school for musical theater and dance. If you’re a dancer or you know one, you get it. Dance culture set the stage for my disorder, but the roots ran deep. Studies show that many people with eating disorders have a family history of addiction or other mental health disorders, and this was certainly true for me. Lastly, trauma, more than anything, is often at the heart of these disorders. Mine was no exception. An estimated 30 percent of people with eating disorders have experienced sexual assault. Sadly, I became part of this statistic at fifteen by a so-called ‘friend’ of a friend. It disturbs me how many of us have experienced this horror. The World Health Organization claims it has happened to one in three women, but I believe that stat is low. Shame, shock, and sometimes our abuser convince many of us that it never happened.
While certain aspects of my parents’ behavior contributed to my eating disorder, I’ve decided not to include them here for a few reasons. One, they’ve since apologized for their behavior. Two, they’ve each spent a significant amount of time on their healing paths, proving that yes, we CAN change our brains, even later in life. Three, most importantly, at some point on our healing journey, we realize that our pain is generational, or to put it differently, human pain is not personal. When we move from blame to understanding, a deeper healing can take place. This path often begins with anger and separation (which can be a valid and necessary phase), but more transformative healing tends to emerge when we zoom out and recognize the intergenerational nature of pain. Our parents were hurt by their parents, their parents were hurt by their parents, and so on. Of course, for some, going no contact with their parents is a necessary act of self-protection. That said, cutting ties alone doesn't always resolve the inner turmoil. In my healing journey, as well as working with Portal Magic clients, I have found that lingering resentment from any relationship will likely affect all present and future relationships. With patience, compassion, and trust, we can transmute resentment into understanding and growth. Yes, the work can be grueling, but it is so worth it!
Recovery Journey
At 23, I was fortunate enough to attend inpatient treatment. I worked through my bulimia struggles with my parents during family week at Shades of Hope Treatment Center in Abilene, Texas. My dad, who had resisted therapy in the past, agreed to spend a week there with my mom and me, diving into family therapy. That week was the most transformative part of my 42-day stay. At one point, my father spoke up during the family circle with everyone at the center.
In 12-step meetings, everyone introduces themselves before speaking. Traditionally, you say, “Hi, I’m Casey, and I’m bulimic.” Family members who weren’t in the program weren’t required to claim an addiction, but when the circle came around to my father, he spoke up.
“Don’t you think forcing people to identify with their addiction is limiting?” he contended. I don’t even remember what the director Tinnie said; I just know I was mortified. How could he speak out against their treatment philosophy when he had no experience helping folks with addictions?! The conversation ended peacefully, but I remember being angry with my father. Today, I see his point. After years of working with my disorder and helping clients with theirs, I’ve found that staying married to your DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) diagnosis can limit your recovery. Much like the Irish say in Gaelic, “I have sadness ON me” versus “I am sad,” I think it’s better to think, “I have bulimia” versus “I am bulimic.” It is more empowering to say, “I am an artist, mother, and healer, and I have bulimia.”, especially in group settings. This allows your brain to focus on all the positive identities your soul encompasses, versus identifying with your disorder.
Maintaining Recovery
There were many gems I took away from treatment, like “No one thinks about you as much as you think they do.” Ha! That one phrase consistently saved me when I was unnecessarily obsessing over weird interactions with friends. However, this treatment center enforced certain recovery practices I’ve since come to question, like its strict sugar-free policy. Today, my approach to recovery is much more about food freedom, body positivity, and body liberation. If you’re curious about body liberation, check out the burlesque icon and Healing Through Seduction CEO Perle Noire. If you’re curious about body positivity but find it difficult to feel positive about your body, you are not alone. Body positivity is more about body acceptance than feeling overly positive about your body. Start with body neutrality. Start with affirmations about your body that you can believe. One of my favorite approachable examples: my body can breathe, move, and play.
Understanding where the body positive movement began reminded me why recovery is political and why I’ll never stop speaking up. The body positivity movement originated from the fat acceptance movement of the 1960s, rooted in civil rights activism and feminist politics, challenging systemic fatphobia, diet culture, and discrimination against marginalized bodies. Check out NYC therapist Zoë Bisbing, who has dedicated her life to the subject. Bisbing’s approach to body positivity focuses on body neutrality, self-acceptance, and psychological well-being rather than appearance. She emphasizes developmentally appropriate messaging, Health at Every Size principles, and an intersectional perspective to challenge diet culture and promote a healthier relationship with the body. While treatment helped ignite my recovery journey, body positivity has kept the fire burning.
Breaking Free From Bingeing
When I finally got free from bingeing and purging, I thought I would continue to binge occasionally for the rest of my life, and I was okay with that. It was NOTHING compared to the prison of the binge-purge cycle. Reading Brain Over Binge taught me that life beyond the binge was possible. Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen challenges traditional eating disorder treatments by arguing that binge eating is driven by habitual, primitive brain impulses rather than deep psychological issues. Hansen shares her personal recovery story, emphasizing that recognizing these urges as neurological misfires, not reflections of one’s true self, can help individuals stop bingeing without relying on therapy or willpower alone. She promotes a simple, neuroscience-based approach: detaching from binge urges and trusting the brain’s ability to rewire itself over time.
Working with the subconscious mind in my work with Portal Magic has also been a recovery game-changer for me and my clients. Portal Magic has been proven to reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, both of which are often underlying factors in eating disorders. By helping individuals process trauma and reframe negative thought patterns, portal magic offers a promising path for those who have struggled to find healing through traditional treatments.
Conclusion
Recovery isn’t linear. A year or two after treatment, I relapsed. I was back in school in Austin, finishing my degree. Stress hit me from every direction: finals, a breakup, and the discovery of an 8-centimeter dermoid cyst in my ovary. It was too much. I spiraled back into my eating disorder. Ten-hour binges and purges. This was my rock bottom.
How did I finally recover? Time, therapy, portal magic, sheer grit, and determination. Someone posted on Instagram years ago that “recovery isn’t a destination,” and I couldn’t agree more. More often than not, it’s a wild ride with many detours, not a straight path. The online recovery community has been a place of comfort and support on this bumpy journey. One of my mentors, Jennifer Kreatsoulas, still hosts free weekly recovery Zoom sessions. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet some of my IG recovery friends in real life, and it has been a game-changer for me to be connected with people who get it.
Today, I’ve been in recovery for over 12 years with only one relapse during that time. Maintaining my recovery is important not only for myself, but for my two daughters. I want them to grow up with a mom who loves her body while demonstrating a healthy relationship with food. Therapy, treatment, and Portal Magic have given me the tools to shift my thoughts and reclaim my peace.
Thank you for reading my story. I share my story to help folks feel less alone and to help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. We CAN rewire our brains. We CAN recover. It takes time, effort, forgiveness, and love, but it IS possible.
If you would like to book a coaching session with me, click here or send me an e-mail.
Treatment:
https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/treatment
Yoga Therapy:
https://www.yoga4eatingdisorders.com/
ANAD Eating Disorder Helpline:
tel:1-630-577-1330
Childhood Trauma and Eating Disorders:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8611587/
Portal Magic and Depression and Anxiety:
Books I Recommend
The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor