I Thought Human Design Was Bullsh*t—Until I Realized It Explained My Entire Life

5/1 Projector here recovering from living like a generator

My alarm, an aggressive harp, went off this morning at 5 am.

"God, I need to change that thing," I thought as I turned over and snuggled my body pillow.

I went to bed at 8:45 last night. I’ve been exhausted—still recovering from the holidays (yes, I know it’s February, don’t judge me!!), helplessly watching the L.A. fires, witnessing the U.S. government attempt to govern, dealing with last week’s mice extravaganza in our house, working a four-day trip with one brutal red-eye flight, integrating medicine work, and processing a two-hour-long Human Design reading I got back in September.

But I’ve decided—this year is for storytelling. Through my Substack and songwriting, I’m committing to the craft. So here we are. I’ll nap later.

With kids and a WFH husband in sales (with a loud bravado), quiet time is a luxury.

Today, I’m telling the story of my journey with Human Design.

I’m a 5/1 splenic projector, and I’ve been operating as a generator my entire life. If you’re unfamiliar with Human Design, that means that I'm naturally designed to guide others and make intuitive decisions in bursts of energy, but I’ve spent my life working nonstop like someone with unlimited energy, which isn’t sustainable for me. According to my Human Design chart, I’m only supposed to work 3-4 hours a day. The rest of the day is supposed to be spent resting, contemplating, studying, integrating, and spending time with family and friends.

I’m clearly still working on deconditioning myself from societal expectations because even as I write this, I’m feeling a twinge of shame. My inner critic is saying, “Well sure it would be nice if we could all just work 3-4 hours a day and just sit around contemplating the meaning of life but BILLS BILLS BILLS!

Did you think of the little bill from School House Rock when you read that? Cool. Neither did I. Obviously, that’s another type of bill entirely but anyway I digress…

When I first learned about my human design, I thought it was bullshit. I’ve been working my ass off my entire life! I’ve accomplished a lot! How am I supposed to get stuff done while I sit down and wait for the invitation (my design strategy)?! How am I supposed to get anything done only working 3-4 hours a day?!

Another part of my design is my defined ego. This means I have consistent willpower, strong self-worth, and the ability to commit deeply to aligned goals. However, as a Projector, it is essential to focus this energy on the right invitations, avoid overproving myself, and honor my need for rest. That “avoid overproving myself” part has been particularly challenging for me. When you have a defined area in your chart, like I have a defined ego, you consistently have both sides of that energy center. I have strong willpower and a confident sense of self, and also, I can struggle with the feeling that I need to prove myself (out of ego).

Now that I’ve had about a year of knowing the basics of my design, even though it originally pissed me off, I finally get it. My entire life, I’ve looked around at my peers who have worked 9-5 jobs, seemingly with no problems. Meanwhile, I’ve had mental breakdown after mental breakdown; exhausted and ashamed I can’t keep up. While I’ve felt a deep inner knowing that I’m designed to lead my entire life, I haven’t quite figured out how yet, until now. In the past, I’ve found *mild* “success” leading as a yoga instructor. I’ve found mild “success” leading on Instagram as one who influences (no I will NOT say influencer LOL), educating folks on yogic teachings, educating on eating disorder issues and speaking about my experience, speaking up for reproductive rights, and more recently, pole dancing, show production, music, and now, medicine work. I’ve recently had a rebirth as an artist after a traumatic perceived near-death experience that changed my life back in 2021. My most recent deep dive has been into Portal Magic aka medicine work.

This is where I’m at now - leading the way for creatives by teaching them how to heal themselves with Portal Magic in a big way so that they may bring their art into the world.

Over the years, I’ve racked up certifications in yoga, anthropology, flight attending, eating disorder coaching, and Portal Magic. Here’s the full, slightly ridiculous list of my credentials…

2008 Bikram Yoga Teacher Training Acapulco, Mexico

2013 Dharma Yoga Teacher Training Austin, Texas

2013 Dharma Yoga Advanced Teacher Training Austin, Texas

2014 Anthropology Degree from the University of Texas at Austin

2014 TEFL Certificate to teach English as a second language (online)

2016 Flight Attendant Training Houston, Texas

2018 10-Day Vipassana Meditation Course Shelbourne, Massachusetts

2019 Yoga For Eating Disorders Mentorship (online)

2019 Eating Disorder Intuitive Therapy Coaching Certificate (online)

2019 Yoga For All Certificate (online)

2020 RYT 200-Hour Yoga Teacher Training Certificate (online)

2021 Wrote and recorded The Spring (An EP about postpartum that I never released…)

2022 Pole Dancing Teacher Training Foxy Fitness and Pole

2022 3 day Vipassana Meditation Course

Shelbourne, Massachusetts

2023 Wrote, Directed, Produced, and performed Favorite Lover: A Show About Choosing Yourself

2024 Produced and performed in The Velvet Groove Review: An Evening Of Live Music And Burlesque

2024 Medicine Mentorship with Bijou Finney

It’s almost embarrassing, and I didn’t even include everything. Just reading this list was already overwhelming to me! We’re talking thousands and thousands of hours studying the body, the mind, spirituality, culture, art, and the creative process. It’s been a bit unsettling reviewing all that I’ve accomplished while also fighting depression, anxiety, substance abuse (weed and alcohol), and eating disorders. It’s almost as if my mental health struggles have been a direct result of fighting against my natural design. While I don’t think it’s quite that simple, I do think there is some truth there. It has been wild to witness that despite my innate wisdom, my wide variety of education, and my instinct, I’ve yet to find true success as an entrepreneur. Now that I am allowing myself the time and space to fully integrate my design (thank you, dear Amy Lee, for sending me my reading not once, not twice, but THRICE because, embarrassingly, I never saved it!) I can see my path forward.

On February 22nd, 2024, I had a splenic hit (HD talk for intuitive feeling; for me, it was also a message) that my family should move out of New York. Six months later, we moved down south to a modest house with a big backyard in Richmond, Virginia. We are now closer to some family and have more access to nature. With this decision came the intuitive feeling that my work as a medicine woman and artist would be significantly more impactful from a grounded nervous system. Six months after our move out of NYC, I’m still figuring it out. I’m still learning how to slow down, wait, breathe, and move from a place of heart versus ego. This process has allowed me to decide to only do Portal Magic work with friends and family for 2025. My ego desires immediate success in my entrepreneurial pursuits but has shown me I will have success if I take the slow-build approach. Slowly is holy.

My current Human Design story ends here. While I was introduced to human design a year ago or so by an old mentor, I’m just now beginning to dive into my experiment. That’s what folks in the HD world call working and living with their design. Are you into Human Design? What was it like when you first started experimenting?