Exit Row to Reality: Rage, Exhaustion, and Robin Williams Saves My Sanity

A Penis Joke Awaits

4:53 am: “Can you please turn down the heat?” I ask the Uber driver as I peel off my polyester uniform coat. I’ve fogged the window, and I am sweating. My daughter was sick yesterday, and there’s a chance that I may be sick as well, especially because last night’s sleep was rough. I’m trying to push that possibility out of my mind as I need to work this 3-day trip.

5:15 am: I’m crying in the bathroom at Richmond airport. Although we’ve significantly reduced our expenses just by moving out of New York, it feels like our family will never get ahead. It’s not like we’ve been buying luxury vacations or expensive clothes; we just lived outside of NYC for ten years with kids and weren’t millionaires. Admittedly, my husband and I share the same money style: dismissive-avoidant. Our budget was avoidance, and that’s why we’re here. All of that changed last year when we finally decided to get a hold of our finances and move away from the city. Note: Maybe you’re thinking, “Why would you Uber if you’re trying to save?” Public transit in Richmond from my area to the airport is virtually non-existent, and we are a one-car family.

5:21 am: I get a text from my airline. “You’ve received a seat assignment!” I’ve been commuting to work at EWR since we moved to Richmond. It’s a “dream commute” as there are five flights a day (commuting flight attendants must fly standby to work unless you buy a ticket). It’s a short 45-minute flight, but on days like today, my commute means I’ll fly four instead of just working three. Keep that in mind when you’re wondering why your flight attendant is in such a bad mood.

5:30 am: I find myself dreamily gazing at the big blue ‘exit’ sign with bold white letters. The exit sign glows like an invitation to another life. Ha! The only place I’m going is gate B2. I dream of leaving the airport, snuggling up in bed with my daughter who may or may not still be sick. I feel guilty for having a job that keeps me from my family. FUCK!

6:02 am: Reluctantly, I slip into my seat in the exit row. At this point, I am fuming. I have allowed myself to fall into a full-blown funk. How the fuck did we get ourselves into this mess?! I am talented. I’m bright. I’m kind of pretty. My husband makes good money, and we don’t have to pay for air travel. I’m ashamed of where we’re at financially. Rage floods my nervous system like steam forcing its way through a cracked kettle, and it’s not even 7 am…

6:19 am: I come to my senses. I am listening to Robin Williams live on Broadway to get out of my head. It works. Suddenly, I am reminded of all the work I’ve had to do to be able to flip the switch like this. Years ago, I might have allowed the funk to flow through my whole three-day trip. FUCK THAT! Thank the one who loves us all for Portal Magic!

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

I miss Robin. RIP, dear legend. Here’s the link if you, too, need a lil mood flipity floop. Heads up, he would get canceled for this act today. That’s how you know it’s good.

7:13 am: Made it to Newark. I’m not sick after all, just exhausted. I’m using this morning’s experience to push my writing goals, online private yoga client search, Portal Magic work, and music sync listening quest. Onward and upward!

Btw, I’ve got a new song called “5 am” coming out on February 21st. It’s about determination and grit. It’s almost like the past me wrote that song two years ago for myself now. I’ve NEVER been a morning person, but lately, I wake up at 5 am to write at least a couple of times/week. Click here to follow me on Spotify and keep an eye out!